One of the first categories of intensity parents pick up on in their gifted child is emotional intensity. Research often follows, as it did for me. So imagine my surprise as I read a non-gifted book titled Raising Happiness by Christine Carter and stumbled upon one of the most important teaching concepts I have ever seen–emotion coaching. Emotion coaching is the idea that it is not enough to set a good example of handling your own emotions, but that very proactive coaching needs to occur with your children in order to raise an emotionally intelligent child. So after getting these techniques down somewhat yourself (kind of hard to teach something you are not capable at yourself), you should help your children with the following four steps.

Number one, figure out what your child is feeling and accept those feelings. We need to send the message that all feelings are okay, even the worst ones. Kids will learn to understand and trust what they are feeling. This is critical to accomplish before they can be capable of handling these emotions. Empathize, label, and validate emotions before moving on.

Number two. You have labelled your child’s emotion, but they also need to be able to do the same. When you say, “Did you feel misjudged when I accused you of calling your friend a name? I probably should have gotten all of the facts first, huh” it not only helps to empathize, but also teaches emotional terminology and how to apologize/problem solve. Later when you hear them say they feel “misjudged” you can smile and give yourself a parental pat on the back. Another example I have recently used is to have my son write 2-3 emotional vocabulary words in his “emotion journal” when he is upset. If he has a hard time coming up with words, it becomes an opportunity to teach more. Feel free to break out the thesaurus!

Number three–set limits on bad behavior when emotional. Kids, especially intense ones, need to learn how to behave well when upset. Let them know it is not okay to hit their brother no matter how angry they feel–but don’t forget to help them know what to do instead. Examples include distracting themselves, stress management techniques, and steering clear of too much tv or computer which can cause over-stimulation and create a lack of physical outlets.

Number four–problem solve! Brainstorming together is great, but avoid the temptation to come up with all the good ideas. Let your child take the lead. I can attest this is eye-opening to see how creative and capable they really are in handling their problems.

As a word of warning, do not try to emotion coach when you are too pressed for time, have an audience, or when you or your child are too upset to handle things well. And if you feel your child is too negative naturally and is struggling to change it, stay tuned to next month’s article! Please feel free to email ideas or thoughts to higleygifted@yahoo.com. As always, good luck!

Debbie Niu
HSG President

I have made a discovery! In an effort to help one of my children with emotional issues, I came upon Genius Coaching here in the Phoenix area. Their approach is positive, and addresses many aspects of my child–not just the emotional side. As per my research of gifted children, I knew both of these things to be extremely important.

I am not only allowed to sit in with my child during our coaching sessions, but encouraged to do so. Together we talk very honestly, yet purposefully in a positive way. Each characteristic, such as being strong-willed, is treated as good thing, and my child learns that he is not being “fixed”, just educated how best to use the traits he naturally has.

Many gifted children suffer from depression–for many reasons. Some depression comes from environmental training, but much comes from how his/her brain is wired. Patterns of thought create pathways in our brains, and are widened with use. If your child is wired for negative thinking, those pathways will widen as they are used and become much harder to ignore or deviate from. It will take training to change directions. One of my favorite techniques is using the word “no” positively. Confusing? The idea goes like this: As negative self-talk begins (or comes from an outside source like children at school or negative adults), have your child say internally or outloud, “No. I am not stupid. I am capable and very good at this. I have already learned this about myself.” Have them say it as many times as they need to. The word “no” stops the negative thought, and allows for a change of direction, much as a stop sign in the road does.

Because our physiology greatly impacts our emotions, it is very important to pay attention to our bodies. Be aware of what we eat, and make sure we get a certain amount of movement each day. Watch your child to see how they react to activity. Does it help them be happier throughout the day? Are they more content? The more sensitive your child is to needing activity, the more critical it is that they do so. It is also essential that both the right and left sides of the brain are engaged together. Many children are disconnected, and are off balance emotionally because of it. There are very simple ways to help the two sides of the brain reconnect, and I encourage you to do research to understand what those ways are.

It is an amazing process as a parent to break your own negative chain of thoughts regarding your child. The power that comes from children thinking positively of themselves is a significant thing, and is multiplied exponentially when a parent begins to do so on their child’s behalf as well. Good luck on your endeavors to do so!

Debbie Niu
HSG President