One of the first categories of intensity parents pick up on in their gifted child is emotional intensity. Research often follows, as it did for me. So imagine my surprise as I read a non-gifted book titled Raising Happiness by Christine Carter and stumbled upon one of the most important teaching concepts I have ever seen–emotion coaching. Emotion coaching is the idea that it is not enough to set a good example of handling your own emotions, but that very proactive coaching needs to occur with your children in order to raise an emotionally intelligent child. So after getting these techniques down somewhat yourself (kind of hard to teach something you are not capable at yourself), you should help your children with the following four steps.

Number one, figure out what your child is feeling and accept those feelings. We need to send the message that all feelings are okay, even the worst ones. Kids will learn to understand and trust what they are feeling. This is critical to accomplish before they can be capable of handling these emotions. Empathize, label, and validate emotions before moving on.

Number two. You have labelled your child’s emotion, but they also need to be able to do the same. When you say, “Did you feel misjudged when I accused you of calling your friend a name? I probably should have gotten all of the facts first, huh” it not only helps to empathize, but also teaches emotional terminology and how to apologize/problem solve. Later when you hear them say they feel “misjudged” you can smile and give yourself a parental pat on the back. Another example I have recently used is to have my son write 2-3 emotional vocabulary words in his “emotion journal” when he is upset. If he has a hard time coming up with words, it becomes an opportunity to teach more. Feel free to break out the thesaurus!

Number three–set limits on bad behavior when emotional. Kids, especially intense ones, need to learn how to behave well when upset. Let them know it is not okay to hit their brother no matter how angry they feel–but don’t forget to help them know what to do instead. Examples include distracting themselves, stress management techniques, and steering clear of too much tv or computer which can cause over-stimulation and create a lack of physical outlets.

Number four–problem solve! Brainstorming together is great, but avoid the temptation to come up with all the good ideas. Let your child take the lead. I can attest this is eye-opening to see how creative and capable they really are in handling their problems.

As a word of warning, do not try to emotion coach when you are too pressed for time, have an audience, or when you or your child are too upset to handle things well. And if you feel your child is too negative naturally and is struggling to change it, stay tuned to next month’s article! Please feel free to email ideas or thoughts to higleygifted@yahoo.com. As always, good luck!

Debbie Niu
HSG President

I have made a discovery! In an effort to help one of my children with emotional issues, I came upon Genius Coaching here in the Phoenix area. Their approach is positive, and addresses many aspects of my child–not just the emotional side. As per my research of gifted children, I knew both of these things to be extremely important.

I am not only allowed to sit in with my child during our coaching sessions, but encouraged to do so. Together we talk very honestly, yet purposefully in a positive way. Each characteristic, such as being strong-willed, is treated as good thing, and my child learns that he is not being “fixed”, just educated how best to use the traits he naturally has.

Many gifted children suffer from depression–for many reasons. Some depression comes from environmental training, but much comes from how his/her brain is wired. Patterns of thought create pathways in our brains, and are widened with use. If your child is wired for negative thinking, those pathways will widen as they are used and become much harder to ignore or deviate from. It will take training to change directions. One of my favorite techniques is using the word “no” positively. Confusing? The idea goes like this: As negative self-talk begins (or comes from an outside source like children at school or negative adults), have your child say internally or outloud, “No. I am not stupid. I am capable and very good at this. I have already learned this about myself.” Have them say it as many times as they need to. The word “no” stops the negative thought, and allows for a change of direction, much as a stop sign in the road does.

Because our physiology greatly impacts our emotions, it is very important to pay attention to our bodies. Be aware of what we eat, and make sure we get a certain amount of movement each day. Watch your child to see how they react to activity. Does it help them be happier throughout the day? Are they more content? The more sensitive your child is to needing activity, the more critical it is that they do so. It is also essential that both the right and left sides of the brain are engaged together. Many children are disconnected, and are off balance emotionally because of it. There are very simple ways to help the two sides of the brain reconnect, and I encourage you to do research to understand what those ways are.

It is an amazing process as a parent to break your own negative chain of thoughts regarding your child. The power that comes from children thinking positively of themselves is a significant thing, and is multiplied exponentially when a parent begins to do so on their child’s behalf as well. Good luck on your endeavors to do so!

Debbie Niu
HSG President

About a year and a half ago, I introduced you to SENG: Supporting Emotional Needs of Gifted. I mentioned that it was a group formed when a bright 16-year old boy took his own life in 1980. SENG strives to give parents of gifted children the opportunity to learn more about the emotional needs our children may have, as they are often quite intense–including as they become teenagers and hormones arrive. The group not only provides instruction for parents, but also a place to share and really ask the questions that apply to your individual family’s needs.

I would like to take a few minutes of your time to introduce a few direct helps. They are simple in concept, and have shown to make a difference in the lives of both parents and gifted children, or any intense children for that matter.

1. Use expectant praise. Praise children for what you would like them to do, rather than waiting for the action to occur in order to praise them. Example: Your daughter usually comes home from school and drops her coat and backpack on the floor–10 feet from the hooks you have provided for those very items. Today as she walks in the door, say “Thank you so much for hanging that up! That really helps me a lot.” Will they see through it? Yes. But with continued use, trust that you will love the positive effects it will have on both you and your daughter.

2. Reward and reword rather than punish. According to Gifted Parent Groups: The SENG Model, 2nd Edition by Devries and Webb, “Punishment only conveys what not to do, rather than what to do, and it also dampens a relationship. As such, punishment is simply less effective than rewards.” Again, the emphasis is on positive interaction, not negative. Also, rewording your statements is a fantastic tool. If a child does something wrong, instead of “don’t be so ungrateful”, try “instead of telling me my dinner tastes disgusting, ask me if it’s okay to just have a little bit then make something else yourself to finish eating.” Teaching them what to do, and not just what not to do, is surprisingly life-changing.

3. Use Humor! I read a story once about a mother who, upon hearing from all three of her children that their days were terrible, decided to celebrate “The Worst Day Ever” by going out to dinner and laughing the night away. What a great alternative to wallowing. My own father had the worst, most dry sense of humor, that we all loved and helped us through many emotional moments.

4. Recognize the feeling rather than the content. When your child hears “You sound sad. When your friend said that, did it hurt your feelings?”, it provides a badly needed psychological breath of air, just as coming up for air after a bad tumble from an ocean wave provides a badly needed physiological breath. Once that breath of air occurs, they become much more capable of seeing the bigger world around them and not just fixating on that desperate emotional need. Follow up with a hug, and they might be good to go with something that simple.

There are many more examples of things to try in A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children by Webb, Gore, Amend, and DeVries. Talking to other parents and doing research online can also be very enlightening. Just remember the importance of helping your gifted children deal with their emotions well. Their intense natures need help and guidance. Learn to understand yourself, then to understand your children and you will change your worlds!

Debbie Niu
HSG President

We may know that both genetics and environment may combine forces in determining giftedness, but do we understand the impact that the first few years of life has on all the remaining years? This concept is longer than most I have written, but so worth it! I dare you to read it all.

According to Bright From the Start by Jill Stamm, Ph.D., babies in the first month of life go from 6 billion brain cells to more than 1 trillions cells. By age 6, there are way more neurons and pathways than a child could ever use. And by 14, an important process called “neural pruning” has begun in earnest. Pruning allows information the brain is gathering to run on “highways” and “major freeways” instead of “remote dirt roads”. In other words, it makes our brains more efficient.

All of these developments that occur within the brain can be influenced by what goes on around your child. Any adult who has a steady connection to a child needs to be aware that what they expose children to has an impact on their entire lives. Once pruned, it does not grow back.

So what are the most important things to know? According to Stamm, the most important things are as easy as ABC. A for attention, B for bonding, and C for communication. While each of these three things is complex and worthy of further research, here are a few things all parents and caregivers should know.

Attention is the basis of learning. Without it, information cannot be gathered and processed well at all. In order to help our children develop the ability to do it, we must 1) Spend face-to-face time together, 2) Provide different types of play that are age-appropriate, 3) monitor the amount of exposure to electronics (TV, computers, game systems), and 4) Include down time every day. You may be surprised to hear that kids need absolutely nothing to do for a bit of every day!

I have to admit that I think Bonding is my favorite piece of this puzzle. By meeting a baby’s emotional and physical needs, a domino effect of trust and security takes place that affects, among other things, how well that child does in school, ability for self-control, self-confidence, and the ability to handle stress. All this for the price of a simple hug or other close contact and connection. Need some examples? Here’s a few. Hold your child gently when explaining why his behavior is inappropriate. When reading a book to them? Hold them on your lap with their back to your chest. Put your arms around them. Look directly at them when talking. Relax and enjoy the process of grooming your daughter’s hair. Try your best to rush less, and enjoy the contact more.

Now, on to communication! Stamm feels, and I agree, that our “baby’s ability to succeed in life is directly tied in so many ways to her ability to communicate” (p 207). That includes body language, reading, and listening. Science tells us that language grows with exposure. The more we do it with children, the better. I tell my 14-year old son that there is no such thing as over-communication. While I may be referring to him letting me know where he will be and when, the idea is a correct one. Talk to your child about the world around them. Ask them questions to which there is no exact answer. Read favorite books repeatedly with your children. And not just any voice will do. Children know the difference between an electronic voice and a loved one’s. Say “please” and “thank you”, and for once, allow your child to talk back. Kindly, of course!

A final note, however, to any who might feel that damage is done and there is no way to fix what’s lost. The brain has an amazing ability to reorganize itself. Although certain neural pathways may be lost, a different route can be organized. Always, always try. After all, as Stamm says, “The most important thing a parent can provide is a loving, stable relationship that leads to frequent, meaningful, and responsive interactions” (p 22). If children have that, it will all work itself out.

Giftedness combines intelligence with creativity. Whether it is creative with numbers or art or music, our gifted children excel at it. If not allowed to release creativity, children will begin to feel the affects of it. So what if your child attends a school or class that is not creative-minded? Are they sunk? No. And I will tell you why.

First, though, I will say that it is an advantage if their classroom has elements of creativity. When allowed to discuss things with open-ended questions (no certain answer), or when given various ways to be creative, the mind is stimulated in entirely new ways. Gifted minds thrive on this. Working with teachers to provide ideas for projects or to help with any creative idea in the classroom can boost teachers desire to implement such things in his/her classroom. Teachers are incredibly overwhelmed and might just need such a boost.

But if that element just isn’t there at school, then what? Even if it is–what do we do as parents? Be there to help them determine what they like. Be willing to help them find ways to release their creativity. Music, drawing, painting, pottery, various sports (like dance, gymnastics, and even fencing), and web classes (photoship, illustrator, etc) are just some areas to look in to. Talk to them about creative things. Learn about what some people, like Walt Disney, have accomplished with their creativity. In our own family, we have six children. We can’t possible do everything for every one of them. Our 5-year old has been given a “creation bucket” instead of other alternatives. She creates to her heart’s content, and we can do it on a much simpler schedule. There are many “creative” ways to guide their creativity.

Additionally, while research does indeed say that lessons and classes are very important in helping your child’s creative side develop and in providing an outlet for expression…as long as your child is guiding the decisions…do we spend every waking second doing it? Don’t forget that down time is essential as well–for some more than others. As parents, we need to help them figure out for themselves what level of dedication they are ready for. We can inform them of what is available. We can encourage them to keep trying if they are feeling frustrated. We can pull back if the benefits no longer outweigh the negatives. But ultimately, if your child is not happy with something, it might be time to look at the value of that activity. If he/she is honestly not driven in that particular area, they will not be happy, fulfilled, or satisfied by it.

It is indeed a complex issue, albeit a wonderful one! Good luck guiding a very sensitive side of your child and family. Next month we will discuss language talent. If your child enjoys creativity with words, this is a great area to look in to.

This is from last January as well, and I believe bears a repeat. Next month we will discuss what to do with creative children, and how to encourage creativity in our children.

GOALS!! Yes, January is here again and with it comes the inevitable goal-setting. How do we handle this when working with our gifted children? Sometimes we are dealing with children that are afraid to fail, therefore they don’t set goals that are sufficiently challenging. Other times our children may set goals that are too difficult to reach. Whatever the scenario may be in your home, here are five do’s and don’ts that may help:

1) Do set goals! Often our giften children’s minds don’t turn off…ever! It takes training for them to know how to organize their thoughts and efforts. Goal setting is a way to help them learn these skills.

2) Don’t set the goals for them. As parents, we usually know what’s best for our children. After all, we have years of experience, right? On the flip side, our children need to begin their own training to know what’s best for themselves. Guide their decisions, but take great care that you don’t manipulate them. Autonomy is a scary thing for our children to learn, but very important, especially considering their potential.

3) Do help them create well-rounded goals. There are many facets to our children’s lives. Consider helping your child set goals not just in intellectual areas, but in social, emotional, and behavioral areas as well. For instance, my daughter set her own goal of “saying ‘Okay’” more often instead of arguing. If your child struggles socially, encourage a play-date goal such as “have a friend over once a week”.

4) Do help them set goals that are specific, with a good time frame attached. If they are interested in learning to play an instrument, help them set a specific and realistic goal such as “practice 4 times per week” or “achieve level 2 by Mar. 1″. When the goal is overly general or goes on for too long, it is hard for them to track their progress and they may easily lose interest.

5) Don’t give in to “goal escalation”! Goal escalation occurs when the individual meets their goal, then decides that it is not good enough after all, and pushes the goal to a higher level. This can lead to many problems, including anxiety, depression, and a lower sense of self-worth.

Our children have such capabilities! Let’s see if we can help them learn how to unleash it all. When all is said and done, we will have hopefully helped our children achieve a sense of fulfillment for a job well done!

Happy New Year and best of luck,
Debbie Niu
HSG President